KUROSAKI ICHIGO: EXTREME TEACHER EXTRAORDINAIRE!
by TEKNAM
Summary: Three-shot. A series of unexplained events lead the well-known strawberry-blonde school boy down the path of the mercenary, where he opens a business as a black-market teacher's aide. What happens when Kira Izuru, teacher in charge of a particularly bad detention class, calls him in for aide? Humor, punishment sarcasm, awkwardness... and freedom. No definite pairings, OOC abounds.
1. Game Start!

[A/N] And here I am, once again, with a quick three-shot for everyone.

Ichigo is more bad-ass than people think… He just finds EXTREME WAYS to hide the fact. He also has an incredibly sarcastic sense of humor… which he saves for only the most deserving of targets. Finally, He enjoys helping people work through their problems. But what do you do when people push you away and frame you for something you didn't do? Simple: You train for the day you can get back. That's what happened to our hero, and after getting his revenge he has taken the job of a mercenary… a Teacher's Mercenary for Seireitei High School's Black Market. Now he's in on call for the first time in several months, taking over for a timid teacher's Detention Class… and boy howdy, these kids ain't gonna like the games Ichigo's got planned!

To that end, what you are about to witness is an EXTREMELY OOC Ichigo, with everyone else as in character as I can make them, given the situation. Some will suffer embarrassing torments… others will find the truth within them that they'd ignored since time immortal. And what will become of our favorite strawberry-blonde merc? Well, he'll be…[A/N]

_**_  
BLEACH**_

KUROSAKI ICHIGO: EXTREME TEACHER EXTRODINAIRE!

EP1: GAME START!  
_

"_Karakura Town Black Market Teacher's Aide Group, how may I direct your call?" a feminine voice asked over the phone._

"_Hello, I'm looking for … HIM,"__ the caller responded. After a series of clicks and a playing of a piece of classical music during the wait, the caller was greeted by a gruff voice._

"_**Yeah, name and nature of the job, please,"**__ the voice asked. The caller gulped; the man he was speaking to was exactly as he'd been described._

"_My name is Izuru Kira, and I'm in charge of Seireitei High's High-Tier Reform Class,"__ the man, now identified as Izuru, said. The gruff voice chuckled._

"_**So basically, you run a detention class full of the worst case students, and you want ME to have a crack at them?"**__ the voice asked, __**"you ARE aware of my methods, correct?"**_

"_Y-yes, of course… the problem is, I can't think of anyone else who can get through to some of them. I know most of them are complete lost causes,"__ Izuru said, __"But some of them are innocents dragged along by bad kids. I want at least to help the ones I can… but with all these bad influences…"_

"_**YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,"**__ the voice replied, __**"I get it. You want me to see to getting the good ones out and … "FIXING" those who need it. Correct?"**_

"_Y… Yes,"__ Izuru said, taking a deep breath before continuing, __"I 've come down with a bad cold and won't be able to make it in until Monday. I only need a replacement for tomorrow, as my normal substitute is out of town for a seminar. Can I ask you to…?"_

_The gruff voice inhaled and exhaled several times before replying, __**"Yeah. I'll do it. But I'll let you know this now: The one thing I NEVER allow my clients to tell about me is my pricing system."**_

"_P-Pricing System?"__ Izuru asked._

"_**Yes. You see, depending on the severity of the students I deal with, my prices vary. I normally charge 7,872* yen for benign cases, and 19,680* yen for more severe cases. In some cases, the client has had to pay me a maximum of 39,360 yen… FOR EACH STUDENT,"**__ the gruff voice responded, chuckling wickedly at his would-be client's audible gasp. He heard nothing for several seconds._

"_**However, there is ONE other stipulation. If I can find at LEAST three decent students in the bunch, I charge 19,680 yen for the job as a whole, and that's my BEST deal, considering the alternatives. I doubt you want to be paying me upward of the maximum PER HEAD,"**__ the voice said. He heard his client sigh in relief._

_Izuru took a few more seconds of silence, before saying, __"Now that I know all this… Please take care of my students. Use whatever non-lethal methods you deem necessary."__ The gruff voice laughed heartily._

"_**Ah…I see. I accept your request. I won't require payment until the week after you return to work,"**__ the voice responded. Izuru thanked the voice profusely, and then hung up. The line, however, stayed open for several more minutes when the operator reconnected._

"_What do you think, Ichi? Did he strike you as one of those full-of-shit kinds?" the operator asked. The gruff voice simply chuckled._

"_**Nah, he didn't seem that way at all, Rukia; in fact, he sounded sincere. I think this one will be a fun job… and Kami-sama knows I've been dying for one of those ever since Yokuda High handed over that entire busload of thieves and kidnappers passing themselves off as high-school students… THAT was fun. A nice rousing game of "Hunt the Hunter" was EXACTLY what the doctor ordered,"**__ Ichi replied before hanging up his end of the line._

_Rukia kept the line open long enough to say, "I hope for both our sakes that this is a higher-paying job… we still need money to get off the power grid." And with that, the line went dead._

_**~KI:ETE~  
~THE NEXT DAY!~**_

The school bells rang to signal the start of lunch break. The school doors slammed open as half of the students ran outside to enjoy fresh air to go with their lunches. Most of the other half stayed indoors, preferring the peace and quiet of their classrooms and the cafeteria for studying purposes.

However, for an unlucky band of fifteen, this lunch break would be spent confined to a small room… with no lunch and no contact with friends. Between the boys and girls, several cliques were obvious.

The girls all seemed to band together as a large gang. In fact, most of the school knew of the girl gang "The Killer B's" and their voluptuous leader, Shihouin Yoruichi. What they also knew was that this girl had a strange knack for attracting all the "good girls" into her fold and turning them bad to the core. She still had two in her core group to deal with who had no desire to do ANY of what Yoruichi stood for… all those two wanted were friends. Yoruichi would be damned if she didn't "properly initiate" her two charges… through WHATEVER means necessary.

Like the girls, the boys mainly had a single clique going: The Rough, a small group of powerhouse brawlers and scrappers from the much larger gang called the Big Heavies, who were known for taking in muscle heads and heavy-set boys who wanted some street cred and weren't afraid to get their hands dirty. The Big Heavies were run by a single man who everyone referred to as "Boss". This "Boss", however, knew that a couple wild-card traitors were in the mix… which was where the Roughs came into play.

In fact, "Boss" didn't know it yet, but the entirety of The Roughs was comprised of EXACTLY those boys, and all of the boys in The Roughs were led by one Grimmjow Jeagerjacques, the roughest brawler of them all, who was known for using any attack and any weapon on hand to win a fight. Grimmjow had actually SHOT a guy once just to win a fight. He'd shot the guy in the knee and the guy recovered, but that had solidified Grimmjow as "the most dangerous kid in school", a title he wore with no subtle amount of pride; he practically threw it in people's faces to make them do what he wanted.

This, of course, left four stragglers on the sidelines; the two intellectuals, Mayuri Kurotsuchi and Szayel Apporo Grantz, the school's resident "Mad Geniuses", who too no small amount of pride in hiring the Roughs to kidnap human test subjects for various drugs and "concoctions".

And of course, in the back of the room sat Ishida Uryu, an anti-social bookworm with an attitude that SCREAMED "I'm the smartest man alive", and Ulqiorra Schiffer, a goth kid who'd gotten into detention for hacking into the school's mainframe and changing the day's automated announcements so that the computerized PA system called out each and every other student by name and called them a loser or a "waste of space". All, that is, except for him; his name was left out of the list, leaving him completely open for round-up.

Now the lot of them sat in their detention room, silently awaiting their keeper.

One boy from the Roughs, a red-head with a ponytail and a weird design etched into his forehead, said, "When's that dumb-ass teach getting here? The faster we can get him to snap, the faster we get to leave!"

As if on cue, from the back of the room came the sound of a soft voice saying, "Ask and ye shall receive." And with that, Ulqiorra began silently counting down.

As soon as he said "ichi", a large, gloved hand slammed through the sliding wooden door and gripped the inside. All of Yoruichi's girls jumped in their seats with an audible gasp, while their "fearless leader" sat there, twitching.

As for the Roughs, Grimmjow''s boys sat around, idly sweating. Grimmjow just sat there as if nothing was wrong.

In the back of the room, Mayuri and Szayel looked up from a rather complex chemistry set. Uryu looked from an extremely thick book, which, once he closed it, was revealed to be an encyclopedia.

Ulqiorra… didn't even move.

The hand slid the door aside roughly, almost forcing the thing off its runners. In through the open doorway walked the last thing the students had EVER expected to see.

A tall man with bright, strawberry-blonde hair set in unruly spikes stepped up to the teacher's desk, dropping a large duffel bag on the floor with a mumble of "FUCKIN' HATE THOSE DOORS." With that, the man turned around to face the blackboard and picked up a piece of chalk. As the man wrote, the students took a look at the scant profile their "guardian" gave them.

The man was well built, with visible muscles showing through the thin fabric of his t-shirt, which was a white v-neck with an open collar. Over that was an open zip-up Flak jacket with a logo imprinted into the left breast: a strawberry-shaped grenade. The man's equally muscular legs were covered off up to the knees in torn, threadbare khaki shorts that looked about ready to just fall off. His feet were covered in shin-high combat boots, covered in dried blood and straps that looked to be made of leather-like human flesh. In fact… the boots themselves looked to be made of similar material. On his face was a pair of pitch-black shades that blocked out his eyes.

The man's arms, from the elbows down, were covered in black bandages that were cut short just past the wrists to make way for the gloves. Grimmjow and Yoruichi looked at those gloves, a pair of torn, fading black leather with spikes set in a mangled pattern on the back of the hands and jagged pieces of metal debris set in the knuckles. The two gang leaders found themselves thinking, though albeit different thoughts.

"_I've gotta get me some gloves like those!"_ Grimmjow whispered.

'_He's the kind of guy I want!'_ Yoruichi thought, licking her lips in anticipation.

As the man stopped writing, he turned around to let the students read his large, sweeping scrawl. He'd written "極端な教師の非凡な" in large kanji; all the students found themselves wondering why he'd call himself that. They'd soon find out.

"AFTERNOON, KIDDIES!" The man shouted in a gruff, gritty voice, sending most of the students hurtling back into their chairs form shock, "I'm you're substitute teacher for the day. I have many names, but today, you can call me Kurosaki Ichigo," with that, the man called Ichigo struck his thumb under each phrase on the board in sequence, "EXTREME TEACHER EXTRRAORDINAIRE. Now, you may be wondering why I call myself that. The answer is simple: I am a member of the Karakura Black Market Teacher's Aide Group, and I'm top-tier. That means I'm only reserved for the ABSOLUTE WORST Students imaginable. So, imagine my surprise when I got a call from your teach, Izuru-san asking me to sub in for you lot of total wuss-bags?" With that, most of the boys and girls from the gangs jumped up to defend their honor. Their leaders slammed their hands on their desks, instantly silencing their rioting gang mates.

"Thank you for calming down before I decided to just end this," Ichigo said. Immediately the gang members began acting out again, screaming and yelling. Two fo the girls in Yoruichi's gang, however, simply covered their ears and tried to block out the noise.

Ichigo gave the entire ruckus five seconds before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small nail. One of Grimmjow's boys, a bald guy with red markings around his eyes, scoffed.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO DO, HUH? POKE US TO DEATH?" The bald kid laughed, starting the class off in a fit of hysterical laughter… until Ichigo turned to the board and lightly pressed the tip of the nail to the surface.

Every student, both in the school and out, suddenly wondered why they wanted to run as far away as they possibly could and hide until Monday.

Without warning, the entire detention class recoiled in pain at the loud screeching noise created as Ichigo dragged the tip of the nail down the board. The sound persisted for ten seconds, and when it stopped, everyone looked up at him with disbelieving eyes.

"THANK YOU FOR ENDING THAT NOISE," Ichigo said, smirking as he put the nail back from whence it came. He waited for a moment, then continued.

"Now, As I was saying, the reason I'm referred to as "Extreme Teacher Extraordinaire" is because of my "teaching methods"", Ichigo said, making finger quotes around the last two words for emphasis, "I don't follow the standard curriculum, and I don't do any of that namby-pamby guidance counselor "trying-to-get-you-on-the-straight-and-narrow" crap. I work simple: if I can help you fix up without menacing you too much, I'll do it. If, after menacing you, you still refuse to go down… Well, all I'll say is this: "I hope you have your affairs in order"." He watched the looks on his charges' faces, and then nodded.

"E-excuse me sir," one of Yoruichi's girls piped up, "What did I do to get in here?"

Ichigo looked at the girl and nodded. He knew that red-heads were typically supposed to be smarter, but apparently most of this poor girl's blood was flowing into her… more than GENEROUS ASSETS, and not her brains.

"What did you do?" Ichigo asked, "Well, I guess it's a good thing your teacher left me a folder with your info in the teacher's lounge!" He reached down to his Duffel bag, zipped it open and reached in. When he stood up a second later, he held in his left hand a manila folder, which he opened with his right hand in a rather overdramatic fashion by grabbing the edge of the folder and throwing his hand out to the side, nearly taking the top of the folder clean off.

"Hmmm… let's see here… Ah, excessive fighting… guess that would be a boy's thing…" Ichigo said, giving a slight nod in the direction of the Roughs, "Experimentation on fellow stuents… Damn, got a couple of super nuts in here, don't they?" He said, leveling a hidden glare on Mayuri and Szayel, who seemed to feel it, "extortion, bullying, and… SEX TRAFFICKING?" Ichigo shouted, ripping off his shades to stare at the entry in the folder.

"Which one of you is Shihouin Yoruichi?" Ichigo asked. The girl in question stood up gingerly, as if she'd just been struck in the knees with a blunt object.

"Of course, it had to be the over-tanned exotic-looking one. HAD TO BE, DIDN'T IT?" Ichigo shouted, slamming his hands on the desk with the folder, making Yoruichi and most of the class jump, excluding Ulqiorra, who sat as still as he had been.

"I'm going to say one thing to you, girl…" Ichigo said, "I'm typically classified as a mercenary; as such, I ship off to chaotic warzones on a moment's notice. I say this from experience: you want to get off this "bad girl" track as SOON as you can. I know your type, and things will end up with you dead in a pool of your own blood if you don't knock the shit off right now." Yoruichi quailed as she shrunk back into her seat, nodding silently.

"Now, with that being said, we're going to play a little GAME today," ichigo said. Uryu shot to his feet.

"Sir, A GAME? That's your idea of punishing us?" the bespectacled boy demanded. Ichigo nodded as he slipped his shades back on.

"Indeed I do," Ichigo replied, "And in fact, it's not any game you've ever played. The game we're playing today is "Extreme Q&A… WITH A TWIST.""

"A… question-and-answer session? REALLY?" Yoruichi shouted, laughing a bit before regaining her composure and saying, "You had me scared for a moment there. But if you idea of punishment is asking us questions, you-"

"Oh no, you misunderstand," Ichigo interrupted, "I won't be asking you questions at all. YOU ALL WILL BE ASKING **ME** QUESTIONS. However," Ichigo held up a hand to stop the students' rising, "that's where the terms "EXTREME" and "TWIST" come into play. You see, I HATE stupid people, and I hate their stupid questions more. So, the way we're working this little game of ours is quite simple.

"I'll sit here and allow you each to ask me a question for the duration of this detention. If you ask me a stupid question, I'll FORCE you to suffer a punishment that you will each see as the "ultimate embarrassment". In addition," Ichigo stopped to open the desk drawer closest to his left hand and pull out a roll of tickets, "I'm adding the incentive of a "freebie pool" to this game to make things more interesting. Anyone who swears or curses has to fork over a meal ticket for the cafeteria and add it to the pool. If you have none, you'll be forced to suffer an even more painful torment, which I will PERSONALLY oversee.

"On the flip side of all that, however, if you ask me what I deem to be a decent question, you not only have a shot at WINNING everything in the pool, but extra tickets as well depending on the nature of your question. The more intense, or personal, the question is, the more you're likely to win. Similarly, if you manage to ask me a decent question that manages to stump me, I'll give you twenty meal tickets along with whatever's in the pool. To start," Ichigo rolled out a good stretch of tickets and snapped them off, leaving them on the desk, "We'll fill the pool with ten tickets. Who'd like to begin?"

Thank you all for reading. Please leave a review, and if you have criticism, make it constructive and to the point. The more I can improve, the better it'll be for me and all of you. ^_^

* The yen amounts, in order, are worth the equivalent of $100, $250, and $500 American respectively.


	2. Don't Do the Crime

[A/N] Part 2. As a warning for those just joining in now, what you are about to witness is EXTREMELY OOC Ichigo, with several other characters being taken COMPLETELY out of their canon mindsets. What will become of our favorite strawberry-blonde merc? Well, he'll be…[A/N]

_**_  
BLEACH**_

KUROSAKI ICHIGO: EXTREME TEACHER EXTRODINAIRE!

EP2: DON'T DO THE CRIME  
_

Ichigo waited patiently for the first hand to rise, sitting hap-hazardly in the teacher's chair with his feet on the desk and the folder in his left hand.

Finally, as a hand rose, Ichigo stared the hand's owner down: a tall boy with red hair held back in a ponytail and a set of strange tattoos on his forehead. Ichigo looked into the file quickly and, finding the right entry, read the name to himself: ABARAI RENJI.

"Yes, Head Tats, what's your question?"

"Head Tats? WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" Renji shouted, bolting to his feet in outrage at the nickname. Renji's friends felt sorry for him; he'd always had a hair-trigger temper, and now he was going to suffer for it. They all shared one thought:

'_May Kami-sama have mercy on your soul.'_

Ichigo shifted position, placing his feet on the floor to focus on Renji. Renji backed up a space, taken aback by the sudden movement.

"Is THAT your question, boy?" Ichigo said in a flat tone. Renji nodded. Ichigo bowed his head, then threw it back in hysteric laughter.

"YES! I KNEW WE'D GET ONE FIRST THING! CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING THE FIRST MORON TO ASK A STUPID QUESTION!" Ichigo cheered, dancing around the front of the classroom clapping his hands like an idiot. The entire class, including Renji, stared at him as thought his brain was falling out of his head.

Ichigo soon stopped his antics and reached into his bag. What he placed on the desk was something the students had hoped to NEVER see again; A STACK OF DUNCE CAPS.

"Alright class," Ichigo said, "Since Abarai-san has been kind enough to volunteer himself as an example, you ALL get to hear his punishment. He will stand in the hall with this hat on and dance around like a monkey until last bell this afternoon." Renji snapped and rushed up to Ichigo, grabbing him by the collar.

"WHAT WAS THAT, YOU PUNK? I DON'T HAVE TOO DO THIS FUCKING SHIT BECAUSE YOU TELL ME TO!" Renji shouted. What happened next worried Grimmjow.

Ichigo didn't react as though he were frightened. Instead, he reached his left hand to grab Renji's and pulled down, before wrenching the boy's hand back towards his body… HARD. Renji screamed in pain as he felt the man before him dislocate his wrist… with little effort.

"DON'T EVER TRY THAT AGAIN, PUNK," Ichigo intoned, his voice taking on a dark tone, "AND DON'T YOU FORGET: I'M HERE INSTEAD OF YOUR TEACHER, SO THIS IS MY CLASSROOM FOR TODAY. MY ROOM, MY RULES, AND AS LONG AS YOU'RE IN HERE, YOU FOLLOW MY RULES. Now, hand over a lunch ticket for your swearing fit." Ichigo pulled from his bag a small plastic packet and tossed it to Renji, who opened it to find a pair of plastic monkey ears, a tail, and a wrap-around monkey face mask. He caught the tall white cone Ichigo tossed to him and walked out into the hall, allowing a single lunch ticket to fall from his pants pocket as he left. Ichigo stooped down to pick up the ticket and placed it down on the desk with the rest of the pile.

"That brings our numbers down to fourteen, with eleven tickets in the pool. Who'd like to try their hand at a question next?" Ichigo asked. For the span of a minute, no one moved or said a word. It was pretty obvious they were trying to think of something to ask that wouldn't earn them a punishment.

Everyone, except for one, that is. The bald boy from earlier threw his hand in the air.

"Yes, Baldy Boy?" Ichigo asked. He watched the boy approach him like a lion stalking his prey, but held up a hand when the boy got to his desk. He'd read the file a bit before, so he knew who he was dealing with: Madarame Ikkaku, one of Grimmjow's heavier hitters.

"If you think you're going to attack me or try to intimidate me, let me tell you this," Ichigo said, removing his shades to level an icy glare on the bald boy, "You haven't been intimidated until someone's got you at gunpoint, with no back-up, and several feet away from someone you treasure. As it is, you have none of those over me, so you don't scare me a bit."

Ikkaku stared at the man's cold blue eyes for several minutes before taking a breath and asking, "What are you even DOING here?"

Ichigo laughed heartily.

"And again, we have another idiot asking an obvious, stupid question!" Ichigo said, pulling from his bag a patch of fake grass.

"Your punishment, tough guy, is to sit in the hall looking like a Buddha Statue, while holding this patch of turf on your head under the hat to make you look like a Chia Pet," Ichigo said mockingly. And, as Ichigo watched Ikkaku's face go from a pale white to a burning crimson, he surmised he'd achieved his goal of pissing off the youth.

"LIKE FUCKING HELL I'M GOING TO DO ANYTHING YOU TELL ME!" The boy yelled, pulling out a pair of nunchaku and swinging one end around to snap Ichigo in the side of the head. It was to the boy's shock and horror, however, when he discovered that Ichigo had not only caught the end of the weapon, but had yanked the side Ikkaku was holding from his hands and clocked him on the crown of his head with them. The boy staggered back, blinking back hoards of stars and flashes of light, and bumped into a desk behind him. It was then that his vision focused and fed his brain the image of Ichigo's hand just under his neck, fingers curled slightly.

"I… I don't have any tickets…" Ikkaku said. Ichigo nodded and walked over to his bag. Bending over quickly, he pulled from the outside pocket a pair of small metal discs. He held one in his left hand and spun the other like a basketball on his right index finger.

"In that case, your task has been given an UPGRADE. You're going to do what you were supposed to do before, while balancing and spinning one of these on each of your fingertips for five minutes," Ichigo said. Ikkaku laughed a bit.

"That won't be so hard!" the bald boy laughed as Ichigo tossed him one of the discs… only for his laughter to fade instantly when the disc proved heavier than he'd expected.

"WHAT THE HELL? HOW IS THIS THING SO HEAVY?" Ikkaku shouted. Ichigo smiled wickedly.

"These are specially designed "Super-Compact Explosive Penetrator Terrain-Eraser Rod", or SCEPTER mines. Each one of these things has been reworked so many times that each one has the density and weight of TWO HUNDRED POUNDS EACH, and by depressing a small button on each, the weight can be changed between ten pounds and the full two-hundred pound weight. In other words, you'll be spinning one of these things on each of your fingertips, maintaining its balance the entire time, with the weight locked at two hundred pounds," Ichigo said evilly. At the scared look on Ikkaku's face, he smiled a bit.

"And don't be afraid," Ichigo said, "Your teacher demanded I abstain from using lethal force on any one of you. Those are all duds; they wouldn't explode even if you set off a firecracker on top of them." Ikkaku breathed a sigh of relief, but he was visibly sweating. Ichigo led the young man out into the hall and set him up for his task. As soon as Ichigo stepped into the room, everyone within heard the bald boy give a scream of pain. Ichigo shook his head.

"As the saying goes, boys and girls," he intoned, "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. With this, our numbers drop to thirteen. Two have been punished, and the pool remains stable at eleven tickets. Who's next to try their hand at the "Wheel of Misfortune"?" Ichigo asked his question in a sarcastic, yet cheesy tone that reminded the students of the common game show host. However, it didn't take long for another student to raise their hand.

Ichigo took his time to study this next student carefully: a petite frame and figure that most guys would kill for, a slightly smaller than average bust, and long black hair tied off at the back of her head in two ponytails with a large gold ring tied into both. Her grey eyes looked worried, maybe even a little bit scared. Ichigo quickly scanned the folder and found her name: Soi Fon.

"Yes, Tiny Lady?" Ichigo asked. The diminutive girl averted her gaze and sighed.

"Come on, don't keep us in suspense!" Ichigo encouraged, "And don't give me any of that bull-shit "It's nothing; don't worry" stuff. I don't buy into that. What's your question? I won't bite you!"

That seemed to give the girl the courage she needed, as she all but screamed, "**I'M AS GOOD-LOOKING AS YORUICHI-SAN… WHY DON'T BOYS PAY ANY ATTENTION TO ME?**" This made Ichigo do a double take. He looked form the smaller girl to her dark-skinned gang leader, then back again.

"Seriously? That's your big question?" Ichigo asked, beckoning for the smaller girl to come over to the desk. Soi Fon nodded and approached, only to scream a little in fright when the stronger man spun her around and sat her down on the desk. Ichigo got in two inches from the girl's face, and from the look in her eyes, he was scaring her half to death.

"Listen to me, and listen good, alright Soi-Fon-san?" Ichigo said, his voice level, calm, and devoid of any ill intent, "I'm going to tell you something right now that your :OH SO FEARLESS LEADER" over there doesn't want you to hear."

"WHATEVER HE SAYS IS A LIE!" Yoruichi shouted from her desk, only to be silenced a second later by the sudden appearance of a sharp, serrated combat knife lodged in the center of her desk.

"WHEN I WANT YOUR OPINION, I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU!" Ichigo shouted, rounding on the dark-skinned girl before turning back to his more immediate charge.

"You are right, Soi-Fon-san. You are as attractive as your leader. But looks alone aren't what will get you through life. You're not going to get a decent job just because your "hot" or "sexy", or because your clothes are "in fashion" or "the latest style", and if you do, it's only going to be until the boss finds someone better looking than you to replace you with," Ichigo said, fighting down the urge to shake the poor girl when he saw her hands climb to her mouth and tears well in her eyes.

Instead, he shook his head and continued, "Guys are divided into three groups in this world: Jerks, Nice Guys, and Gay Guys. The third group is self-explanatory. In terms of the first, a Jerk will use whatever tactic he has to to get a girl in bed with him. He'll only go for the pretty girls, like you or your boss. But trust me when I say this: any time spent with a Jerk is wasted time. He'll take you out once, have sex with you whether you want to or not, and then leave you in favor of the all-important Jerk thought: "The more girls I lay, the better a guy I am"."

What they don't seem to understand is that this only makes them better in their own eyes; to everyone else, they're no better than a pile of slime in the road. THEY'RE NOTHING MORE THAN AN ASSHOLE, and they always will be. They delude themselves into thinking they're great guys JUST because they get with a lot of pretty girls, but it will lead to nothing in the end."

"Now the second group is the more sought after, but less happened upon, and they're the Nice Guy. Nice Guys may spend their entire lives looking for a solid girlfriend, maybe even a wife, but most Nice Guys will wind up spending most of their lives being denied by girls like your boss, whose only clear thought is that a guy has to hot or muscular to be any good. This is untrue; A good boyfriend shouldn't be just good-looking or muscular, because when it comes down to it, those won't help you against thugs with weapons."

"Nice Guys may not be better equipped to handle a situation like that either, but they know from years of being put down and ignored not to do the same to whatever girl will have them. They also know how to love better than any Jerk ever will, and they'll love you better because of it. To a Nice Guy, knowing what love really is… it's sort of a pride thing, like they feel they have something to prove."

"So, what have we learned today?" Ichigo asked, finishing his speech. Soi-Fon looked at him as if she'd just been enlightened.

"Don't rely on looks alone, and don't turn away guys just because they aren't a ten-point stud or a jock?" the small girl offered. Ichigo nodded.

"There was one other lesson in there: Beauty isn't just what's outside; but what's inside also," Ichigo said, his face betraying any semblance of wickedness or evil, and instead set in a beaming smile, "Any guy who takes you JUST for your looks doesn't really love you, no matter how many times he says he does. Chances are strong he won't give half a flying rat's ass about you when the shit hits the fan and he's got to run for it; he'll most likely throw you under the bus to save his own skin. Any guy that can look past your appearance and see what and WHO you are inside can, and WILL, love you for you, and that's all you can ever hope for in life. Focus less on what's outside and more on what's inside: a good combination of both will get you a man who's perfect for you. That's a guarantee I can make with certainty." Ichigo smiled at the girl, who smiled back happily. He slid the pool over closer, and, grabbing the roll of tickets, tore off a longer strip of thirty tickets. He took the entire mess and placed them in Soi-Fon's hands.

"These are for you; you have won the pool for a perfect example of a decent question. I hereby dismiss you from this detention class. I'll also alert your other teachers that you'll be getting the rest of the day off to go and do whatever you see fit to do," Ichigo said, smiling. However, as the petite girl hopped off his desk and went for the door, he gently placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Is there something else, sensei?" she asked, a look of worry on her face. Ichigo nodded.

"I'd like for you to stick around just for just a bit longer; I have a distinct feeling you'll be getting a friend to go with you relatively soon. So, grab your seat from the desk and set it up next to mine here," Ichigo said. Soi-Fon nodded and went back to her seat, pocketing the tickets and collecting her bag as she grabbed her seat and plopped herself down on it next to the teacher's desk. Ichigo walked to Yoruichi's desk and plucked the knife from it, tossing it half-assedly into the air and catching it square on his index fingernail, and then used his middle finger to send it spinning.

"Don't think for a second you won't be seeing this little baby of mine again, SEX KITTEN," he said to the dark-skinned girl, spitting the last two words as if they were poison on his tongue, "Because the chances are stacking higher by the second that you will. Consider that first showing a severing of Soi-Fon's ties to you and your girls." He turned around and sat back at the desk.

"Alright, folks, that means our numbers stand as thus: Twelve Students left, two punished, one helped and set free, and," making a dramatic motion, Ichigo unrolled another ten tickets and set them on the table, "The pool returns to a count of ten tickets. Who'd like to ask me a question next?"

As if on cue, a red-haired girl with a more-than-generous bust stood up, walked over to his desk, and, in a more subdued voice, asked, "Why don't boys look me in the eyes when they talk to me?" This drew chuckles from some of the other girls in the room, minus Soi Fon, and sparked hysterical laughter from the thug boys. Ichigo gave her a quick once-over and sat down. He didn't have to read the file to know who she was: Inoue Orihime, who, along with Soi-Fon, was one of the girls Yoruichi's girls had muscled into the group with the promise of "friendship". Ichigo shook his head sadly.

'Ask and you shall receive,' Ichigo muttered to himself, getting up and walking past the girl to grab her chair and set it down behind her, then gently sat her down. Ichigo sat down on the teacher's desk and faced her, as well as the entire class.

Placing a hand on the girl's shoulder, Ichigo gave her a warm smile, before glaring down Yoruichi and her only other present gang member and saying, "You two should learn something from these two. The ONLY Two of the four of you willing to address your gang ideals!" He then turned back to Orihime and smiled again.

"The reason, Inoue-san," he said in a serious tone, "Is because most men are perverts who want sex more than anything else. As I told Soi-Fon-san, the male populace is split into those three groups. Most men, if they aren't gay, are Jerks who want nothing more than to get in girl's panties as often as they can for next to no real gain. The guys who look at your breasts when they talk to you are ACTIVELY and BLATANTLY displaying their priorities to EVERYONE. As I told Soi-Fon-san, Good Guys won't do that. They know what it's like to feel ignored, so they do whatever they have to do get and keep a steady girlfriend. Being a great boyfriend is their ONLY priority; their pride as a man is on the line. So if you do manage to find a guy who is willing to look you in the eyes and really listen to what you're saying, whether it's important or not, you've found one of the guys that should NEVER be let go or pushed away."*

Orihime looked him in the eyes as he spoke and smiled when he finished. She watched as Ichigo reached for the roll of tickets and tore off a string of thirty-one and passed them to her, along with the contents of the pool.

"That's for you, to match your sister in freedom. You two are free to go; just remember one thing," Ichigo said. Orihime stopped in mid step as she stood to go retrieve her bag.

"Don't let girls like HER," Ichigo said, jerking his thumb spitefully at Yoruichi, who did a double-take, "ring you into their circles again. You have each other, and there are certainly a slew of other girls like yourselves out there who need to learn this lesson also. Stay together, be happy… and most importantly, BE YOURSELVES!" Orihime smiled and turned, only to be handed her bag by Yammy Llargo, one of Grimmjow's goons, who had an apologetic look in his eyes.

"I'm sorry for how I acted a few weeks ago," the burly muscle-head said, drawing shocked gasps from his entire gang, "I only gave you those looks because those idiots behind me told me it was a good idea. I didn't even want to get into that side of things… I only wanted to fight and be strong. I wasn't always like this… after I started lifting weights, I just couldn't stop…" Yammy said, about to break down when Orihime placed a hand on his arm.

"That's alright, Yammy-san. Thank you for telling me, and thank you for your help. Have a good day, if you can…" Orihime said, nodding to Icihgo, who just shrugged his shoulders with an innocent-looking grin. With her bag in hand, Orihime gave the muscle-bound goon a smile and turned, leaving the room with her new best friend Soi-Fon. Ichigo nodded happily and tore off another ten tickets.

"Our numbers as they stand: Eleven left, two aided and released, two punished, and the pool is once again reset to ten. May this be a lesson to those of you who are neither out in the hall being punished, nor the two girls who left, NOR Yammy-san: Beauty is only skin deep; it's what's in the heart, mind, and soul that counts," Ichigo said, kicking back in his chair again, "Once again… who'd like to ask a question?" It only took Yammy a couple seconds to stand up.

"S-sensei," the muscular behemoth said, "What should a guy do to get a girl who isn't like Yoruichi," the dark girl's name was said spitefully and without an honorific, and struck the girl as the insult it was meant to be, "and her gang? I mean, I've been lifting weights and bulking up since I was thirteen, and I've made a LOT of progress, but hearing what you said to those girls just now… I've started having doubts. What exactly do I need to do to keep a good relationship going?" Ichigo almost stumbled back a step.

"Well… Points for that one… I wasn't expecting THAT…" Ichigo said, truly impressed, and finished in his head, _'Looks like I'm making better progress with some of these kids than I thought. This might not be such a bad day after all.'_

"Well, Big Guy," Ichigo started again, "I can't really tell you much." Ichigo stopped abruptly when the mucular boy's shoulders sagged and his gaze turned to the floor.

"Don't start losing it now, buddy," Ichigo encouraged, "The reason I said that is this: You're already doing what you believe to be best, aren't you?" Yammy looked up and gave Ichigo a weird look.

"That's the thing…" Yammy said, "Up until a few minutes ago, I thought I had my priorities straight… Now, I don't know what to think anymore. If being string isn't all there is, then what else is there to do?" Ichigo understood the boy's intentions better now.

"Kid," he started, "If strength is what you seek, you've got it in only ONE facet. Strength comes in many shapes and forms. You have strength of the body; you have enough muscle mass on you that you could probably feel a gunshot as if it were a mosquito bite. However, that means you've sacrificed all other strength: strength of the mind, heart, and soul. Those are what you gave up for those hulking muscles. Strength of the Heart is simply how you deal with your emotions. By sacrificing that, you attempted to make yourself immune to your emotions by focusing on force. Bad idea; if you can't feel, what's the good of trying to love at all? The entire notion would seem foreign to you." Yammy nodded; he was starting to see where Ichigo was going.

"Strength of the mind I can understand well enough, that refers to how smart and knowledgeable you are," Yammy replied, "But the one that's stumping me is the third one…" Ichigo nodded.

"Strength of the Soul, Yammy-san, is, purely and simply, your ability to cope with things you can't understand and believe you should change, whether that change be within yourself, or in other people. For as long as you've been getting physically stronger, the less you've been allowing yourself to see what else life has in store for you, and the knowledge that most of that was shooting past you like a bat out of hell scared you. You'd given up on strength of heart for the most part, so the idea of being scared drove you to become even stronger in order to quell that fear. But it didn't work out that way, did it?" Ichigo asked, receiving a shake of the muscular boy's head in response.

"I thought as much," Ichigo said, continuing after placing a hand on the boy's shoulder, "What you need to do is open yourself up to new experiences; let go of the muscle-building for a while and just try different things. The more things you try doing differently, the more your strength of Soul will develop again. Then, once you've redeveloped it, your emotions will slowly come back, bringing your strength of Heart. Your strength of Mind can be worked on gradually to give you a bit better of an opportunity to get used to the knowledge you will fill your mind with. If, and I mean IF, you decide to keep your strength of Body, the only other thing I can think of to help you there would be to learn a few forms of martial arts so that you're better prepared, should you find yourself in the alley-way situation and ganged upon by thugs."

Yammy nodded, gaining a determined look in his eyes as he tore off a small red "X"-shaped patch on his left sleeve that had the kanji for "rough" in it and slamming it down on Grimmjow's desk.

"You can have that back; I don't need it, or you and your boyfriends anymore," Yammy said bravely, his voice unwavering and devoid of hesitation. As Grimmjow stood up and looked the muscle-head in the eyes, Yammy stood his ground, keeping his breathing steady.

It was only after Grimmjow laughed heartily and patted the big boy on the shoulder that Yammy let his guard down.

"You know, Yammy-kun," Grimmjow said, his voice course and full of authority, but still playful sounding, "You've got a REALL set of balls to be saying that directly to my face; calling me gay and all that. That's one of the reasons I let you stay with us: I knew you had that in you, and wanted to see you let it out at least ONCE before we went against the Boss and took down his gang. It'll be harder to do that without you, but if this is what you want, I'm not going to stop you. Go have fun, big guy, and be happy… BROTHER." Yammy nodded and grabbed his bag.

He turned around to see Ichigo standing at the desk with his hand full of tickets. Yammy walked toward the not-so-imposing Ichigo and waited.

"Good work, bucko," Ichigo said, "Here you go: a month's worth of meal tickets, as well as the ten from the pool. You've got the rest of the day off, so go have fun!" Yammy nodded and strode toward the door, but stopped before he got through the frame. He turned back to look at Grimmjow.

"I may not be sticking around you anymore, Grimmjow-san, but you were always sort of an older brother to me. Thanks for everything… And if you still need my help taking that evil prick down, you let me know; I'll be there in a heartbeat. My last official act as your brother will be to help you overthrow that jerk if you'll have me," Yammy said.

"You mean if I need you. You've got it; I'll send Ikkaku to get you when Operation: Doomsday is set to launch!" Grimmjow said happily, giving the ex-thug a thumbs-up. Yammy happily returned the gesture and strode out of the door.

Ichigo sat back at the desk, slapped another stack of ten tickets on the desk, and kicked his feet up.

"Alright kiddies, our tally now reads: ten to go, three helped and gone from our presence, two punished, and the pool is once again at a flat ten. Who's next up?"

_**~MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOM~**_  
As soon as Yammy was three steps away from the door, he found two small arms wrapping around each of his. Looking to either side, he found himself flanked by both the girls who'd just left.

"S-Soi-Fon-san, Inoue-san, what are you doing?" Yammy asked, his face flaring redder than a tomato. Soi-Fon smiled.

"We stayed by the door and listened after we left. We wanted to hear your wuestion, and we're glad we stuck around. We've both been looking for a good guy… and we've agreed to share you… if that's alright with you?" Soi-Fon said.

Orihime smiled and leaned up to kiss the big boy's cheek, then said, "It was uplifting to hear you reject those guys and ask sensei for help… even IF sensei's a bit out of his mind in his actions. It'd be wrong not to get to know you a little better! And don't worry, we'll save any and all dirty stuff for whenever you're ready. I don't think we are yet either, so…" she trailed off at the end when Yammy smiled down at her, then hoisted her up on his arm, which he soon held along his chest like a butler. He did the same for Soi-Fon and allowed both girls to sit on his shoulders and use his arms as footstools.

"I'm perfectly fine with that… How about we go for coffee? I'll even take you shopping. My treat!" he said, smiling wide. Both girls nodded happily and pointed toward the door, shouting "ON, SEABISCUIT!" in a joking tone. Yammy smiled wide and took off like a shot, making both girls grab onto his neck with their arms so they wouldn't fall off. The three ran out of the school building laughing and smiling the whole way. They'd all finally found what they'd been looking for, and they'd be DAMNED if they didn't enjoy it together.

_**~BACK IN CLASS~**_

Ichigo smiled as the thundering steps and jovial laughter of Yammy and the girls filled the air in the classroom and halls.

"Good for them…" he said aloud. One of Grimmjow's boys, a tall, almost gentlemanly-looking boy with shoulder-length black hair and a large white eyepatch over one eye, chose that moment to make his presence known.

"Hey sensei…" The boy hissed, "You look pretty weak right now… FIGHT ME!" The boy shouted the end of his statement, the shot forward, palming a small, folding sickle from inside the sleeve of his jacket. Ichigo shook his head; Nnoitra Giruga, one of the MOST problematic of Grimmjow's thugs.

"I see, Nnoitra-san. That's your question is it?" Ichigo said, grinning madly as he stood and held his hands ready at his sides. Nnoitra simply screamed in rage.

"YOU EXPECT TO BEAT ME BY STANDING STILL? WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR DEAL?" the enraged thug shouted, swinging the now open sickle down to attack Ichigo, who did nothing to block. Instead, Ichigo stepped to one side and allowed the sharp point of the sickle to pierce the blackboard behind him. Nnoitra tried desperately to pull the sickle from the blackboard, but was halted by a single open-palm chop to the base of the back of his neck. Nnoitra's eyes widened comically for three seconds, before they rolled into the back of his head and closed. The boy's still frame fell over into Ichigo's waiting left arm.

"Guess you're about to learn YOUR lesson the hard way, punk…" Ichigo said menacingly.

It would be another several hours before Nnoitra awoke to find himself tied by the back of a large diaper to the top of the school flagpole, wearing nothing but said diaper, a bib and a bonnet, with a baby pacifier tied into his mouth with twine. The brutish boy screamed with rage before realizing that there were people on the ground below him, pointing up and laughing. Nnoitra whimpered pathetically. He'd worked his ass off for five years to build up his reputation as "Quick-Trigger Nnoitra"… only to have one single teacher tear it away from him. This day would go down in Seireitei High history as the "Funniest day ever".

Back in the classroom, several hours before, Ichigo settled back into place at the desk, nodding toward the pile quickly.

"And thus, our totals come to this: nine left, three helped and gone, three punished, and there are still ten tickets in the pool. Who's up next?"

It took a few minutes before any of the students decided to make a move. Finally, A single youth in the middle rows, with short, silver hair framing his closed eyes, which slanted up in a fox-like smile. Ichigo took a quick glance at the boy's record in the folder and sighed; Ichimaru Gin, the male equivalent of the WORST female gossipers. Ichigo shook his head.

"Yes, Squinty Fox, what's on your mind?" Ichigo asked, feigning ignorance of the boy's tendencies. Gin looked at Ichigo… or, sort of "looked" like he was looking at Ichigo.

"Sensei~," Gin said in a sort of sing-song voice, "You say you're a mercenary. What's the worst job you've EVER had to perform?" Ichigo nodded; he'd been expecting this, and had his answer planned out.

"Ah, my worst job ever, huh?" Ichigo mused, a forlorn look came over Ichigo's face as he continued, "Well… That'd have to be about three years ago, when I started out."

"At that point, I didn't have a reputation or anything that set me apart, so I had to start from scratch and make a name for myself. As such, my first few jobs were nothing short of easy things; stopping robbery rings, catching small-time drug dealers and other things the cops had trouble with. However, it was August of three years ago that made my name for me. I'm sure you heard about that rings of drug lords who gathered their forces to destroy the police station, right?" Ichigo asked. Gin and everyone else nodded.

"Well, at that time, I was part of a special task force sent in to disarm the situation… but things didn't go so well. As it turned out, a young girl had gone in to report a robbery earlier that day and had been taken hostage. I was in the room when they threatened to kill her if the cops didn't meet their demands, and when the cops refused, they used any and every method they could possibly imagine to kill her… I watched from the shadows until I couldn't take it anymore and slaughtered all of them in cold blood. Instead of staying around, I grabbed the poor girl and rushed to the hospital."

"In the end, it took the doctors a total of four months of constant surgeries to put her back together, as well as another three months of continuous blood transfusions and another six of physical therapy. It was after the first three months of surgery, it was discovered through body and brain scans that she'd suffered extensive nerve damage throughout most of her body, as well as severe mental trauma and brain damage. Then again, given how many times they smashed her head with those gun butts, that much should have been obvious."

Ichigo watched as most of the girls recoiled at the concept. Gin himself seemed to be turning a deathly shade of green, but, against his seemingly better judgment, as well as protests from both remaining girls, asked what exactly had happened to the girl. Ichigo nodded.

"Ah, so you're into gore porn, are you?" Ichigo asked, almost mockingly, "you sick little boy. Well, if you're that interested… fifteen cracks to the skull with the butts of five fully automatic assault rifles, resulting in a caved-in skull that had to be meticulously pieced back together with dissolvable medical staples and over three hundred stitches. She had both hands and feet sawed off, resulting in the need for doctors to find donor samples they could replace them with. Wrists and femoral artery slashed, resulting in extensive blood loss and a total twelve hours surgery to repair the broken blood vessels. She also had her throat practically gouged out, resulting in yet another donor and over two-hundred-fifty staples and stitches combined. That was another fifty hours of surgery."

"The thugs also repeatedly stabbed her all over, which severed almost every nerve ending in her body. Neurosurgeons spent a total of three weeks replacing every single one, with barely a moment's rest in between. The thugs also managed to find a large blade in the building and performed… seppuku on her. She was lucky that they missed her heart and lungs, but a good chunk of her stomach got ripped right open. They dragged the blade down toward her legs, tearing most of her internal organs clean open, which was the majority of the surgery time-"

"I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW ALL THAT!" Gin shouted, visibly on the brink of breaking down in blubbering sobs, " I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AFTER SHE RECOVERED!" Ichigo was suddenly glad he didn't have to get into further detail. The memory of the event was almost killing him.

"… You could have just SAID that," Ichigo responded flatly. He turned to the board and took a deep breath.

"Basically speaking, she SHOULD have been dead long before I got her to the hospital, but she had an indomitable spirit and a drive to live that I've never seen in anyone, neither before nor since. Even after the doctors got her into the ER, there was a part of her fighting to stay alive that carried her through all of it. It's no small miracle at all that she survived, if only by the skin of her teeth… but even then, she wasn't the same. She still had that spirit, but the damage to her brain caused her to suffer severe amnesia and an almost robotic personality shift. Her parents couldn't get through to her, and couldn't bear the thought of housing what they called a "machine", so they gave her up. I don't know what made me do it… but I took her in. We've been working together since, but she's yet to go back to how she was… I don't think she ever will…" Ichigo finished.

Gin was bent over his desk now, openly weeping over the poor girl's fate, along with Yoruichi AND her crony Matsumoto. Ichigo nodded and walked over. Grimmjow's last remaining thug seemed beside himself with rage; he may be a thug, but he still considered himself a man and followed his leader's code of honor that no man should EVER hit a woman. Grimmjow himself was about to lose his mind, but held himself in. Mayuri and Szayel seemed completely unchanged by the news, translating the story as news about an extremely durable scientific specimen that they'd have to get Grimmjow's men to kidnap for them. Uryu was JUST the tough side of tears… and Ulqiorra was completely indifferent.

"I know how you are, Gin-san," Ichigo said, "That why I had to tell you the gory details; the less you think of wanting to talk about it, the less of a gossip you'll be later. And it's for your own good anyway; you can have more friends this way." Gin shook in his seat, and then stopped abruptly.

"W-wait," the silver-haired teen said, "Yo-you're saying you were LYING about what happened to her?" With that, both girls snapped up, their sadness turning to betrayed anger. Grimmjow and his last remaining gang member followed suit, looking positively ready to strangle their "sensei". Uryu looked about ready to join the morbid festivities, and Ulqiorra… was completely indifferent.

"No, I didn't lie about what happened to her," Ichigo said, holding his ground with a serious tone, settling the students in seconds, "But I did make up the part at the end. I was with her six months ago when she had an episode that allowed her to reclaim her memories. She stayed in bed for an entire week, and I stayed with her to make sure she had everything she needed. We've been close friends ever since."

The boys nodded happily, the girls cried more, and Gin nodded silently.

Standing, the silver-haired boy looked Ichigo in the eyes and said, "Sensei, thank you for this experience. I solemnly vow to do my best in my studies and become an info man for the police; I hereby give up on gossip and the like forever!" Ichigo nodded.

"Good for you, Gin-san," He said, tearing off thirty tickets and handing them to Gin, "This is for you. Your tickets from the pool are in there. Take the day off to recover from this; you've earned it." Gin nodded and waved goodbye to everyone as he darted out the door with his bag in tow.

Ichigo nodded seriously and said, "Alright kids, our numbers now stand, in order: eight left, four helped, three punished, and ten tickets in the pool. Who'd like to try next?"

_**~OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL~**_

Gin walked a few feet outside of the school when he saw an old friend of his stepping from the back seat of a car. They were old friends in the sense that Gin had gossiped and then told on them when they'd done something wrong. Gin watched the girl step out of the car, her head of short, bright pink falling around her eyes, which bore a darker shade of pink than her hair. Gin remembered Ichigo's story and took a quick look at the girl he'd once been info partners with… and within an instant, his tough-guy façade crumbled, his face swapped out an uncaring, fox-like smile for an open-eyed look of horror.

He hadn't tried to do it, but by looking at his ex-partner while remembering what he'd heard in the classroom, he'd seen something he'd never thought he'd never want to see: the body of Yachiru Kusaijishi, his ex-partner, gained a black border around it, and quickly lost both hands and feet, along with a big chunk of her skull. Conversely, it gained multiple stab wounds, a large, vertical hole in the abdomen that extended toward her pelvis, slash wounds in her wrists and left leg… and a large, open hole in her throat, as well as spattered blood EVERYWHERE. Her eyes were rolled back in her head until nothing but the veins and whites of her eyes could be seen, and her pupils seemed to be drifting in differing directions.

It was only when her real-life mouth opened to speak to him that the finishing blow to his psyche came: his vision of the mutilated girl suddenly violently twitched, the head almost contorting off its neck to look at him while both eyes rolled back down to stare at him through half-lidded eyes with blood-filled sclera:

"_**WHAT DO YOU WANT… TRAITOR?"**_

With that, Gin collapsed to the ground in a fit of violent screams and sobs. Yachiru almost flipped out when he collapsed, but, aiming to preserve her image, dropped to her knees and tried to help her newly reformed friend… and ex boyfriend.

_**~BACK IN THE CLASSROOM~**_

Ichigo shook his head when he heard Gin's screams.

"Another one gone… Maybe I should have refused to tell him the story…" he mused aloud.

"So, again: Who'd like to go next?"

_  
[A/N]Thank you all for reading; Please leave a review, and if you have criticism, make it constructive and to the point. The more I can improve, the better it'll be for me and all of you. ^_^

P.S. The Soi-Fon/Orihime portion of this chapter is delivered from personal experience and personal observations, and is my own opinion. I know from enough experience what I'm talking about, girls, so I hope at least SOME of you girls out there into all this dieting and fashion and "hot guys" crap will actually read this and take a bit of a lesson away from this. And for anyone who's planning to write a review asking who I know that has done this… I'll leave you with the knowledge that it was a potential father figure to my ENTIRE family. Now DROP IT.

If you choose not to, however, that's on you; you're perfectly welcome to take what I say with a grain of salt… or you can take it with the whole shaker if you feel like it. Hell, if you want, take my words with a whole BUCKET full of salt. It's your life, after all; who am I to try and give a bit of advice?

Also, a box of cookies and a tub of ice cream will go to the first person to accurately guess who the girl in Ichigo's story is. Although, if you guess right, you may wind up wishing you had more…

Tek Out [A/N]


	3. Class Dismissed

[A/N] Third and final part. Once again, as a warning to those who are either joining now or don't like this kind of thing, you are about to bear witness to an EXTREMELLY OOC Ichigo along with several other characters acting well out of canon. If this bothers you, please don't read. If you don't and wish to take a chance… go right ahead. Also, please don't leave me a review if the most you're going to say is that I "misrepresented" or "misinterpreted" any characters, or other such nonsense. The characters are this way for a reason; if you don't like it, again… DON'T READ.

In any case, thank you to those who have read this up until now, and if you do read this chapter, Thank you for staying with me all the way up to the end. ^_^ It took me several months to get the planning right for this. Thank you and enjoy. ^_^[A/N]

_**_  
BLEACH**_

KUROSAKI ICHIGO: EXTREME TEACHER EXTRODINAIRE!

EP3: CLASS DISMISSED  
_

Ichigo smiled; he wouldn't have to charge Izuru maximum per head. He'd already hit his minimum quota, so anything else was just a bonus.

It had so far only taken him twenty minutes out of the full forty-five to weed out just over half of the class, leaving only the worst cases. He hoped there would be at least one more to help out of this lot.

It didn't take too long for Uryu, the self-proclaimed "genius" of the school to stand up. Ichigo glanced at the boy's file and nodded.

"What's up, Wonder Specs?" The merc asked with a wry smile. Uryu pushed up his glasses.

"Kurosaki-san… Was Sensei really sick when he asked you to sub in for him?" Uryu asked.

Ichigo looked at the boy with an astounded look on his face; was this kid SERIOUSLY suspecting his teacher of playing hooky?

"Was your sensei REALLY sick when he called me? THAT'S YOUR QUESTION?" Ichigo demanded, his voice almost cracking as he broke into laughter that bordered on the maniacal. Uryu stumbled back into his chair.

"For your information, Wonder Specs," Ichigo said, ramping up the sarcasm in his voice to almost unbearable levels, "NO, your sensei WASN'T sick. When he called, I could hear pinball machines going off in the far background, with karaoke music playing over him as he talked. There were a TON of rustling noises, and the voices of several women BEGGING him to go "PLAY" with them!"

Ichigo was throwing his arms around in a demented manner now, emphasizing each and every word he spoke. Uryu found himself unable to tell if this man was being sincere or if he was making a point; he decided the man was being sincere. A demented smirk came over his face.

"I KNEW IT! That dumb-ass has no right to be teaching me, or anyone for that matter! How dare that simpleton attempt to lecture to ME, the smartest person in this school?" Uryu announced, standing up and walking towards the teacher's desk… where he was promptly met with a hard slap to the face that sent him reeling to the floor. Uryu hit his knees and hissed in pain, then slowly stood up to face Ichigo.

"OW! WHAT ON EARTH?" Uryu shouted, only now noticing the look of deathly seriousness on Ichigo's face. He was, however, still far too deluded to realize he'd stepped over an unspoken line.

"YOU REALLY THINK I WAS BEING **SERIOUS**?" Ichigo shouted, his face seeming to grow large enough to dwarf the entire classroom. The volume alone was enough to bring Uryu to his knees.

"I LIED, YOU IDIOT," Ichigo said, his intensity declining but still present, "Your teacher was indeed sick when he called me. He tried his hardest to mask his coughs and wheezes, but I could see through it. How dare you even THINK you're above a man who went through far more years of schooling and education in order to get the degree that would allow him to TEACH YOUR SORRY ASS? At your stage… you're no better than a TERMITE. YOUR PUNISHMENT is to walk around the school the rest of the day wearing one of these caps while balancing it AND a nice five-foot stack of books on your head." Uryu scoffed.

"You think THAT'S PUNISHMENT?" Uryu said. Ichigo rolled his eyes and reached into his bag to pull out an extremely large book that stood about the height of the teacher's desk and was about as wide as Uryu's chest. He then held the book out before himself in both hands, and then dropped it. The book slammed into the floor, making a sizable hole.

"W-what IS that monstrosity?" Uryu demanded. Ichigo smirked.

"THAT, BOY," Ichigo spat, "Is the Encyclopedia Britannica's Special World-Wide Complete History Edition, compiling the historical archives of every developed country in the world into one… SINGLE… COMPENDIUM. And I've changed my mind… this will be more than enough. It may not by five feet in height, but it weighs more than four times the combined total of all the books I would have had to stack on your head to get that height. You'll be walking around the school with THIS behemoth on your head for the REST OF THE DAY. Be prepared to have a kink in your neck that won't be going away for three months… AT THE MOST."

Uryu turned and tried to run for his life, but soon found himself being dragged back towards the monstrous tome. Five minutes later, Uryu felt the weight of the huge book on his head and fought to keep it steady. Ichigo led the boy to the door and pushed him through it, knocking the larger-than-life book off his head.

"Oh, and one more thing; IF you lose your balance and the book falls, you are NOT allowed to accept ANYONE'S help to get it back on your head; you have to do it ALONE," Ichigo intoned. Uryu gulped and whined as he struggled to life the massive book back onto his head after leaving the room. For several hours after he left the school, Ichigo still got a chuckle from the screams the self-proclaimed "supergenius" let out whenever the book fell and he had to lift it.

"Alright people," Ichigo said, "there are now seven of us left, and our Released/Punished record is tied at four each. Ten tickets remain in the pool. Who's next for this little game of ours?"

It took no time at all for the only girl in the room who wasn't dark in skin tone to stand up and make her presence known. Ichigo checked the file: Matsumoto Rangiku, one of Yoruichi's more… extremely loyal and experimental girls. She was known to be a loose cannon, in more ways than one. The way Yoruichi herself had once put it, Rangiku was… "Sexually Progressive", and had been "passed around more than a bottle of vintage wine at a liquor tasting".

Ichigo, mush as he'd done with Soi-Fon not even twenty minutes prior, gave Rangiku a quick once over and did NOT like what he saw. Sure, she was attractive, but her inner self had long since been locked away, allowing a "self" she created to take charge… a "self" that placed a BIT TOO MUCH emphasis on looks and sex appeal… a "self" that truly believed that selling herself would net her anything she wanted every time. Despite her over-stretched uniform and lack of space remaining between the edges of her hips and her skirt, she seemed rather subdued… even IF she was swinging her hips and almost writhing as she approached her teacher with a sultry wink.

"Ah yes… The token Drunk Bimbo of the class, I assume…" Ichigo said, as the blonde sidled up closer, "Your "QUESTION" can be asked from right…" He held his hand out to stop her as she reached a spot less than a foot away from him, poking her in the forehead with ONE finger, "THERE, if you wouldn't mind."

"Alright," she said, winking again, "Want to go for a drink after school?" Ichigo smiled wide; he had this entire encounter planned to the "T".

"Actually, if you've got something on you, I could use that drink right… _now_…"Ichigo said, matching her tone almost exactly. Rangiku smiled and raced back to her desk to grab three bottles from her bag and raced back. Ichigo motioned to the desk, giving the buxom girl a look that urged her to get closer. She almost blushed and got up close.

"Please lie down on the desk, on your back, and close your eyes. Don't open them until I tell you to, alright?" Ichigo said in a seductive voice that made the girl's knees buckle. She willingly did as asked and lay still on the teacher's desk. At first, nothing happened. But when she felt him touch her nose, she twitched.

"Remember…" Ichigo said, keeping his voice seductive, "DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES." Rangiku nodded and kept her eyes closed, even after she felt two large objects force their way into each nostril. She furrowed her eyebrows, but held them closed as breathing through her nose proved more difficult by the second.

"I'd suggest breathing through your mouth if you don't want to get contact drunk," Ichigo instructed, adding after a second's thought, "Oh and you can open your eyes now. You may ALSO want to pull out your hand mirror and take a good look at yourself… I know the boys are laughing." Rangiku immediately opened her eyes and ran back to her desk, though she discovered the hard way what had happened when she felt a heavy object slap against her chest. Looking down, she saw the bottoms of two large bottles resting against her cleavage. Grabbing each, she raised her hands up to the tops to find they were small-neck bottles… wedged into her nose.

"WMHAT DIHD YUH DO DUH MEH?" the busty girl shouted in outrage, drawing chuckles from the boys at her slightly garbled, nasally voice. Ichigo smiled and walked over, holding another ten bottles, all the same, with one in each hand and the others between his thumbs and fingers. He set them down on her desk.

"As I said, you may want to consider breathing through your mouth to avoid intoxication by contact; the fumes from the insides of those bottles are very strong. The alcohol content from those is easily one-hundred-fifteen-proof. Your punishment, for being SO eager to seduce me and get out of this class, is to hold those two bottles in your nose until the end of the day, while balancing these on each of your fingertips AND wearing one of these hats." Ichigo placed one of the white cone hats on Rangiku's head and lead her out into the hall to begin her punishment. As he walked back in, the others could hear the faint sounds of Rangiku crying.

Ichigo nodded and sat down at the desk.

"Alright, Six remain; Punishment leads the pack at five with Aide trailing behind by a slim margin of one point at four; ten tickets remain untaken in the pool. Any takers… or are they going to be used by your sensei as a parting gift from all of you when he comes back on Monday?" Ichigo asked. Instantly, both scientists stood up, demented smiles on their faces. At least, Mayuri LOOKED like he was smiling… with that weird face paint he wore and the way he always had his mouth open with all his teeth pressed together, he certainly SEEMED to be smiling.

"Sensei…" Both asked in unison, "How much smarter than us do you think you are?" Ichigo stared at both boys and shook his head.

"Well, Creepy Guy and Face Paint, come on up and we'll find out the HARD way. Oh, and bring your chemistry sets over. We're going to have a SPECIAL ceremony for YOU TWO," Ichigo intoned flatly; this seemed to have the unwanted effect of piquing the two boys' interests. Both did as ordered.

Ichigo reached for Mayuri's first, taking out two vials full of green fluid, another full of a red substance, and one more that contained a blue liquid from Szayel's. Ichigo grabbed a large flask and mixed all four vials' contents within. Moments later, the well shaken concoction turned a pinkish-purple in color.

Ichigo handed the flask to Mayuri and said… "DRINK IT." The boy didn't know what Ichigo had mixed, and he didn't want to risk it being something dangerous.

"You first, Sensei," Mayuri hissed, "You mixed it after all." Ichigo nodded slowly before lunging out and jabbing Mayuri in the ribs with two fingers, knocking the wind out of the boy. The painted scientist gasped for air for a couple seconds, giving Ichigo the opening he needed. As the boy came up for air for a third time, Ichigo reached out, grabbed the boy by the throat and drained the contents of the flask into the boy's mouth, then rubbed his throat until he swallowed. Ichigo stepped back and smiled.

"W-WHAT HAVE YOU… DONE TO ME?" Mayuri shouted through gasps for air.

"Nothing at all," Ichigo said, "If you remember, I'm not allowed to use lethal force or perform any life-threatening actions against any one of you. All I did was force you to swallow a little mixture that'll force you to alternate between having the runs and the anti-runs. You'll go from dropping water to wishing you could drop ANYTHING for a good week, so make sure you've got something on hand to ease the pain, kid." Mayuri gave off an inhuman scream and dashed out of the room, holding the back of his pants for dear life. Ichigo chuckled as he looked over to his compatriot, Szayel.

"Did you lie to him, Sensei?" Szayel asked, his voice filled with scientific curiosity and… did Ichigo sense a bit of … CONCERN?

"Yeah, I did," Ichigo admitted, "I just mixed a couple things of carbonated water with a touch of cherry-flavored red food dye. All I made him drink was a highly-carbonated cherry cola. YOU, on the other hand, are in for JUST slightly worse." HE made a move toward the bespectacled scientist, who flinched and closed his eyes tight. Several seconds later, he gasped in pain as he felt something slam hard around his nose and break it. He opened his eyes to see his favorite science textbook around his nose… with blood dripping out of it onto the floor.

"Your punishment, Szayel-san, is to walk around school balancing that book on your nose while wearing a hat and hopping on one foot," Ichigo said dully.

"Why should I ever hop on one fo-OHMYGOD, WHY?" Szayel screamed as Ichigo stomped on the noy;s left foot with his own, revealing to Szayel through force that he was wearing one-hundred-pound steel-toed boots.

"THAT IS WHY, PUNK," Ichigo said, waving the boy off. Szayel whimpered and yelped in pain as he hopped toward the door, holding his left foot in both hands while holding his head back to balance the textbook on his nose. Grimmjow laughed ; If this guy had been a student, he could have recruited him into the Roughs and had a torture specialist.

"Four left, seven punished, four helped, ten tickets in the pool," Ichigo said, keeping to the point now, "Who's next in line?" Grimmjow wasted no time, standing up and spinning his head around once on his neck to clear a kink.

"Those idiots you've punished won't be coming back, will they Sensei?" the boy asked. Ichigo applauded.

"So the Gang Leader has a brain in him after all!" Ichigo cheered, "To answer your question, Grimmjow-san, you're absolutely right; no one who's been punished will be coming back in this room. Those who got extended punishments will especially not be returning, as I've designed their punishments to be inhumanly possible." Grimmjow smiled and nodded; this man was definitely a master of the most evil tortures known to man.

"Also, congrats on winning the pot," Ichigo said, grabbing the ten tickets, along with another ten from the roll, and presenting them to Grimmjow.

"FUCK YES!" Grimmjow shouted, "I WON THE FUCKING POT, LOSERS!" It was only after he turned around once and saw the looks on the other three students' faces that he realized he'd sworn… TWICE.

"Aw crap…" Grimmjow said, "I haven't accepted the tickets yet, and I have none on me. What do I have to do, Sensei?" the gang boss said in a subdued tone. Ichigo nodded.

"Willingness to accept punishment for his actions… Very admirable. In honor of your honorable actions, I'll reduce your double penalty to one, but make it twice as bad to make up for it," Ichigo said, "As such, you'll be required to stand on your head with your feet touching and the hat on your groin, while wearing…" Ichigo went to his bag and pulled out a plastic-covered hanger with an anime-esque panther costume hanging from it, complete with a tail, ears and whiskers, "THIS for the rest of the day." Grimmjow looked up, a distraught and outraged look on his face. However, he looked away and took the hanger and walked to the men's restroom to change on Ichigo's instruction; Grimmjow was also informed he could perform his punishment outside the entrance to the men's room. Ichigo watched as the teal-blue-haired boy left, his skin visibly paling.

"Three left, eight punished, four helped, twenty tickets in the pool. Who's up next?" Yoruichi stood up next.

"Sensei, do you think I'm attractive?" the dark-skinned girl asked, winking playfully at Ichigo. Ichigo didn't even flinch; he'd seen the move enough times to resist it. He did, however, give the girl a quick once-over and had to admit that yes, she was attractive… but in a most unbecoming way. In several ways, she was just like Rangiku, but only because she'd inducted the girl into her gang herself, and had thus turned the blonde into what she was. Yoruichi, on the other hand, chose to guard herself a bit more carefully, but wasn't too shy about letting guys get more of a peek than they needed.

"Admittedly, Yes I do," Ichigo said, "But if you'd been at all listening to what I told Soi-Fon-San and Inoue-san, you'd know that that doesn't mean very much to me. I've already seen your inner self… And it doesn't attract me at all… in fact, suffice it to say that who you are inside utter REPULSES and DISGUSTS me. I wouldn't be caught dead around you even if we were the last two people on Earth, and unlike you girls, who use that more often in a mean-spirited put-down sort of way, I say it with conviction , and with every fiber of my being I MEAN it."

Yoruichi seemed shell-shocked by the response; no man had EVER turned her down, let alone insulted her so deeply. At that moment, she wanted to curl up and cry for the first time in several years, but, being who she was, she had too much pride to let anyone see her in that state. Instead, she simply turned her head and took a deep breath. A moment later, she felt a whoosh, then a slight breeze around her rear. When she looked back at Ichigo, she saw him smiling wickedly.

Pulling out her portable mirror, she checked to see what was so amusing to the man, only to scream in terror. Somehow, she'd gone from her standard, custom-changed school uniform to a pair of long slacks, pulled up to her navel, a long-sleeved fluffy turtleneck sweater with a pocket protector, white shoes, a bowl-cut hairstyle… and worst of all, GLASSES, which only served to accentuate EVERY SINGLE ZIT she'd ever covered up, which had somehow sprang back in full force.

"THAT," Ichigo said, "Is YOUR punishment. You're going to walk around this school dressed as the one kind of person you openly despise: A NERD. Not only that, but you'll have to join one of their circles and participate in their activities, and essentially BE one for the ENTIRE DAY. You're also required to wear the dunce cap, and you're NOT allowed to take any of what you're wearing off; the teachers are my spies, and will inform Izuru-san to tell me if you did so I can PROPERLY educate you in my own… SPECIAL way." The way Ichigo phrased his last statement made Yoruichi pale; if making her look like one of the people she most disliked was his idea of punishment, she didn't want to take a chance at finding out what his ideas of "TEACHING" were. She nodded and hurried out into the halls… where the doom and destruction of her carefully crafted reputation awaited her.

Ichigo sat back down and said, "Two left, twenty tickets in the pot. Which one wants to make it easier for the other and volunteer?"

Ichigo was immediately met with laughter, prompting him to send a scathing look over to Yumichika Ayasegawa, the only one of Grimmjow's boys remaining. Ichigo examined this one closely; anyone to stick feathers into their hair and eyebrows was most obviously not only a pretty-boy gone HORRIBLY wrong, but also…

"Oh great… A Flaming Fairy," Ichigo said, his voice holding not an ounce of prejudice or disgust at all.

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SO UGLY, SENSEI?" Yumichika said aloud, only to be met with a laugh in return.

"YOU think I'M UGLY?" Ichigo laughed, "COMPARED TO YOU, I'M THE EPITOME OF FASHION SENSE AND LOGICAL CHOICE OF DRESS! You look like you JUST stepped out of a "Let's Take a Normal Guy and Make Him EXTREMELY GAY" seminar! What's with the feathers? They don't add anything to your appearance except to scream "I DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELL TO DRESS!" And what's with the trimmed hair? Let me guess, you've shaved all your other hair off as well, right?" Ichigo shouted. Yumichika took to his feet.

"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I'M A PROUD METROSEXUAL! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HOW I LOOK, AND I DON'T LIKE GAYS AT ALL! THEY RUIN MY IMAGE!" Yumichika shouted back. Ichigo nodded.

"To tweak the words of the Bard: "A rose by any other name is still a rose". You can call yourself whatever you want, but by taking off ALL the hair on your body except for what grows on your scalp, you've made the choice. Calling yourself METROSEXUAL does NOT excuse you from looking like what a jock wants his GIRLFRIEND to look like!" Ichigo replied.

"Not only that, but for you to say you don't like gay people because they "ruin your image" begs the question, "HOW?" How do they ruin your image? You dress and groom yourself JUST as they would. You're no different," Ichigo said, his voice taking on a very serious tone, "there's no reason to ever be prejudiced against another person or group of people. They really haven't done anything to harm YOU as a person, have they?" Yumichika opened his mouth in protest, but closed it when he realized Ichigo was right.

"Exactly; now, since you were SO kind and cruel with your last statement, you're getting a punishment," Ichigo said, vanishing from view. Yumichkia looked around, turning in circles as he felt a burst of wind, then a small breeze… and then nothing. Turning in place, Yumichika saw Ichigo standing at the teacher's desk with a wicked glare. Yumichika reached out a hand to silence Ichigo when he started chuckling, but soon broke down in terrified screams. He'd been forcefully changed into an outfit extremely similar to Yoruichi's, but with the addition of large, soda-bottle glasses and a scientific calculator.

"W-WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?" The ex-pretty boy asked in outrage. Ichigo chuckled aloud.

The same thing I did to the Sex Kitten; I gave you a Nerd's Makeover. You will be spending the rest of the day with Yoruichi-san, partaking in her EXACT same punishment, but with a twist. If you see someone getting bullied, you are to jump in between the bullies and their target and take the beating yourself," Ichigo said, turning on his heel and dismissing the boy, who wailed in rage before running out of the room to find Yoruichi. Ichigo then turned back to the last student in the room.

"So… it's just you and me now, Ulqiorra-san. Your question please?" Ichigo asked. The boy sat still and didn't say a word for a good three minutes. Finally, he stood.

"Why are children so cruel?" he asked. Ichigo took a step forward.

"I don't understand the question's nature… explain please?" Ichigo asked. Ulqiorra nodded.

"When I was eight, my parents booked a family vacation to a theme park in the U.S. that had a strange attraction called the "Pine River Challenge Trail", where it was an obstacle course for kids. At the far end of the trail, there was a side-attraction called the "Soul Tunnel", where you could press your hand to an imprint in the wall of the cave and be told what your "spirit animal" is. I was allowed to join in a girl's birthday party, and was having fun with her and the other children… when it was my turn, I pressed my hand to the wall and heard "SKUNK". All the children started laughing and pointing at me, calling me "smelly butt" and all sorts of other things. I couldn't believe they'd turn on a newcomer so quickly… I turned tail and ran all the way out of there, through the obstacle course, right out of the park, and back to the family car, where I stayed until they came back to leave."

"Ever since, no matter where I go, I can't see children the same way; they all look like cruel, insensitive little beasts to me, waiting for me to let my guard down so they can eat me alive… I also have what my family calls an "irrational hatred of skunks" because of the incident… they just don't understand…" Ulqiorra said, sitting on a desk nearby as he finished. Ichigo nodded.

"Ulqiorra-san," Ichigo said, understanding the boy's issue, "You don't need to worry yourself about that anymore. It happened while you were out of the country; the only people who remember it are either so far away that they can't find you, or else a part of your family who know how traumatic it was for you and don't want to hurt you further. You can't let one isolated incident like that control your life. Those events can only harm you if you go back there, and that's a VERY small chance, because you're all but guaranteed that the people who did it won't even remember who you are."

"Let out your real self, Ulqiorra-san… Let out who you were born to be at birth. Stop shutting him in because you got hurt as a kid. Because children grow up to become teenagers, and then further to become adults, and carry all the cruelty they had as a child with them throughout their life. It never goes away unless you train yourself to dispose of it or lock it away. The only way it can possibly hurt you is if if you go back and run into ONE person who remembers you. Let it go; it's time to be real," Ichigo said, smiling as the Goth boy bowed his head in thought.*

"You know what, Sensei?" Ulqiorra said, nodding, "You're right." With that, the boy ripped off his clothing to reveal a green tank top and khaki shorts underneath his Goth apparel. He pulled from his pocket an alcohol wipe and cleaned the makeup from his face, and removed the clip-on piercings from his nose and ears. He looked up at Ichigo with a beaming smile. Ichigo smiled and tore off a strip of twenty tickets, grabbed the twenty from the pool, and held them out for Ulqiorra.

"I was a fool to let what happened control my life. I'm going to work hard to repair myself from now on," Ulqiorra said bravely, taking the tickets with a smile as he turned to leave. He was almost to the door when another blonde girl stepped out from around the corner. Ichigo checked the folder quickly and noticed that she should have been in the room: Tier Hallibel, an ex-member of Yoruichi's gang who'd left after her "leader" had attempted to sacrifice Teir's friends to a drug gang leader to pay off a debt. Since then, Tier had had no contact with the darker-skinned girl. Ichigo nodded.

"Ah, Harribel-san, what brings you to class this late? I should give you a demerit for being tardy. Actually, since class is now over… I should technically give you three," Ichigo said sarcastically, before thinking a moment.

"Actually, SENSEI," Harribel spoke the word "sensei" with a level of distrust Ichigo hadn't heard in years, "I'm here for him." Harribel pointed toward Ulqiorra, who backed up a space.

"What could you possibly want with me?" the ex-Goth asked. Harribel shook her head, accidentally loosening her hair ties and letting her messy blonde hair almost swirl around her neck. Ichigo watched her carefully for a moment; her green eyes were cold and calculating in the picture, but … something was off with her now. Ichigo couldn't quite place it, but he felt as if something was about to happen.

Harribel lurched out, grabbing Ulqiorra by the wrist and pulling him toward her for a tight hug.

"Ulqiorra-kun," she said, her voice almost a whisper, "I'm so sorry for what happened at my party all those years ago…" With that, Ulqiorra's memory seemed to register and he pushed away from her, taking a close look.

"Wait a minute… I recognize you… Your eyes were a lot more innocent back then, but… It really was you all those years ago, wasn't it Ti-chan?" Ulqiorra said, smiling a bit. His expression fell, however, when his memory clicked again and he staggered back several paces.

"Why are you here?" Ulqiorra asked, "Are you here to continue what happened that day?" Ulqiorra watched as tears came to Harribel's eyes and she gained a hurt look on her face.

"H-How could you SAY that? That ruined my birthday party!" Harribel said defiantly, stomping her foot on the floor. Ulqiorra's eyes bulged.

"I couldn't believe it when you got "skunk". I thought it would be alright, that nothing would go wrong, but when all those kids started picking on you, I was shocked. I couldn't believe anyone could be that mean. After that day I stopped talking to all of them and got new friends…"

"Ah yes…" Ichigo cut in, "Franceska Mila Rose, Cyan Sung-Sun, and Emilou Appachi. You four have made quite the name for yourselves in the underworld, haven't you, Harribel-san? Or, should I call you…" Ichigo paused, as if to boost the drama, "QUEEN SHARK?" Harribel turned to face Ichigo with a glare that could have killed him.

"DO NOT INTERRUPT ME AGAIN," the girl bellowed, her voice gaining a demonic tone that ALMOST made Ichigo flinch.

"Sorry, my apologies; please continue," Ichigo said. Harribel nodded and, once calm, continued.

"When you turned and ran,", she started, "I wanted to follow you and apologize for my … 'Friends' and their behavior, but when I got into the park, I realized I didn't know where you were headed. I abandoned everyone else and spent the day scouring every part of the park looking for you… I never thought you'd go back to you car and wait. For months afterward, I hoped and prayed that I'd see you again, but you never showed up anywhere."

"And then," she said, wrapping her arms around her stomach and squeezing tight, "My father got a promotion and we moved out here. I thought I'd lost the chance forever until I got into middle school on my first day and saw you sitting in the back of the room with that paint on your face. I thought it was still too early to say anything, so I left you alone."

"I waited for years after that, working up the courage to talk to you, but every time I tried to get close my nerves would betray me and I'd walk away. I couldn't stand knowing that the boy who'd been hurt at my party was so close to me, but unable to see me because I was too afraid to get close. I thought for sure you'd forgotten about me… But hearing you call me by that nickname you gave me on the second day really means a lot to me," Harribel said, smiling as the tears in her eyes began falling down her cheeks. Harribel reached her hands up to wipe the tears from her eyes, giving Ulqiorra the time he needed.

Without a second though, he strode over while her eyes were covered and held her close, tears forming in his own eyes.

"I was such an idiot… Instead of ignoring everything around me, I should have looked around. If I'd seen you, we could have talked it out… become close friends… We could have started over from scratch…" Ulqiorra said, shaking a bit. Harribel smiled and pulled away just far enough to reach in and steal a kiss, causing the ex-Goth boy's eyes to literally EXPLODE out of his head. Ichigo smiled.

After a few seconds Harribel let go, smiling as she looked into Ulqiorra's dazed eyes and said, "Who says we can't? I've been dying to start over. Want to go for dinner? I'll pay!"

"I'd love to, but I'll pay; it's the least I can do for ruining your party!" Ulqiorra said playfully Harribel giggled a bit.

"So, where are you taking me to, Ulqi-kun?"She asked, a beaming smile gracing her face as she walked out of the classroom with Ulqiorra, arm in arm. Ichigo nodded and bent down to collect his bag. Hauling the heavy duffel onto his shoulder, Ichigo started for the door, before stopping abruptly as a thought struck him.

He quickly doubled back toward the desk, taking out a pad of paper and a pen and writing out a note for Izuru. He finished and, smiling, turned to leave… by running into a diving leap through an open window.

_**~KI: ETE!~  
~MONDAY MORNING~**_

Kira Izuru walked back into his classroom with a slight frown. He'd gotten word that the class had gone well and no one had been hurt… beyond tolerable limits. This worried him… but not as much as what met his eyes when he stepped through the sliding door to greet his students.

"Ohayo, minna… ITTAINANI GA*?" Izuru shouted, though it seemed no one in the room was paying his presence any mind at all. The spectacle that lay before him wasn't so much worrying as … shocking.

Yammy, a man Izuru had never though capable of holding down a relationship, let alone getting a girlfriend, had Soi-Fon and Inoue Orihime on each of his massive shoulders, and all three were smiling and laughing heartily. Grimmjow and his boys seemed quieter, almost … NORMAL. The same could be said of Yoruichi and the members of her gang that had been at Ichigo's class; they were more subdued and quiet now, seeming to be ready to learn instead of trying to skip out on class. Izuru found himself inching his way towards his desk as he carefully examined the remainder of his class.

The first thing he noticed was that a boy who looked a LOT like Ulqiorra was sitting at the front of the class with one of Yoruichi's ex –gang mates… and on further inspection, it was proved to BE Ulqiorra, minus his makeup and dark clothing. Even more frightening, the boy was actually smiling and LAUGHING, something he hadn't done in the two years he'd been there.

A sound suddenly caught his attention and he turned to look at the two scientists, Mayuri and Szayel. Mayuri was belching every other breath and gripping the back of his slacks as if he had to run for the restroom, while Szayel had the worst case of a broken nose Izuru had EVER seen. Not that Izuru could really call it "broken"… more like "flattened the short way" than anything. In fact, the only way Izuru could tell if the boy still HAD a nose was if Szayel turned to the side; otherwise, the thing almost vanished from sight. At a slightly different angle, Izuru could see a pair of crutches against Szayel's desk, and with a little extra craning of his neck, Izuru made out the distinct shape of a large cast around the boy's left foot. He shook his head; probably a deal with the Roughs gone sour.

Uryu was another that Izuru spotted quickly… considering the fact that the boy's head seemed to have been forced down into his neck, giving him the appearance of a turtle. Gin, the gossiper of the class, was sitting quietly, doing his best to NOT look at any of the girls. He'd talk with the boys in the gang just fine, but when asked if he was OK, Gin simply nodded and laughed. Izuru could tell otherwise; the boy had witnessed something that had shattered his view of the world as he knew it. He probably SHOULD have given the boy a week or two off from school to recover.

Not surprisingly, the only one of Grimmjow's boys to be acting up was Nnoitora Giruga… but he was acting out in a strange manner… instead of shouting and threatening his teacher, Nnoitora was twitching, looking across the room from end to end in quick sweeps. He was probably looking for Ichigo. Not surprising, considering what Izuru had heard from the other teachers about that day…

Yoruichi looked up and noticed Izuru for the first time since his arrival, and, in complete contrast with her usual attempts to seduce him, stood up at attention.

"RISE!" She announced, causing everyone to look to the front and see Izuru. The others stood in sequence, each standing ready.

"BOW!" Yoruichi shouted, bowing at the waist out of respect for her teacher. She was followed in kind by everyone else in the room.

"OHAYO, SENSEI!" Everyone chorused as one, causing Izuru to fall back against the black board from shock.

'_WHO THE HELL ARE THESE KIDS, AND WHAT HAVE THEY DONE WITH MY STUDENTS?'_ Izuru shouted to himself, standing up and bowing back.

"O-Ohayo," he said back, still shocked. As he sat down at his desk to put his things in order, he found a small note folded in front of the chair. Picking it up and unfolding it, he read:

"_Izuru-san,_

_I've decided to waive your fee altogether for this job. I managed to help five of your students today; the rest are just plain idiots. If there WAS any change in their behavior, credit me for it if you wish._

_K-I"_

Izuru smiled. He could already tell which of the students had been helped out.

"_Arigato gozaimasu… Kurosaki-san,'_ Izuru thought to himself. Turning to address his students, he requested they open their textbooks and prepare to learn, and was pleasantly surprised when they did as asked.

_**~LATER, THAT NIGHT~**_

Ichigo stumbled into his hideout with a large satchel on his back and three large bags of coins in one hand. His legs were wobbling, his arms shaking, and his breathing slightly labored. His eyes, devoid of his shades, were glazing over.

"HOLY HELL… I'M FUCKIN' TIRED," he swore, waltzing into the main lobby past an empty secretary desk and into the elevator to go upstairs. He pressed the button for the third basement floor and slowly found himself drifting off… until a suddenly pressure against his torso snapped him out of his daze.

"R-Rukia… what are you still doing up? It's almost 11!" he stammered out. Rukia smiled.

"Don't you remember?" she said, smiling at him, "You promised me we'd have our usual play before bed tonight!" Ichigo's eyes widened, his mouth crashed open and he slapped his forehead.

"AH! That's right, I did promise you that, didn't I?" he asked happily, pulling her in tight against him. Rukia smiled broadly.

"Remember, Ichigo… you can do ANYTHING you want. Anything goes," she whispered breathily into the taller man's ear. Ichigo smiled.

Several hours later, after a solid two hours of pre-sleep sex, Rukia lay against Ichigo's muscular chest, smiling as he rested his left hand on her shoulder. Ichigo smiled too, feeling the younger, smaller woman's body pressed against his own.

"I'm so glad I decided to take you in, Rukia… You're the only one I can see myself doing this with," he said, reaching his head down to kiss the crown of her head. He was about to pull away when she reached up to passionately kiss his lips. She stayed for roughly thirty seconds before pulling away with a teasing smile.

"I can't see myself anywhere but here, Ichigo," she said with a beaming smile, "I love you too much to be anywhere else." Ichigo smiled back and held her tight.

"I love you too much to let you go, Rukia," Ichigo said as the two fell asleep in each other's arms.  
_THE END_  
Thank you all for reading. Please leave a review, and if you have criticism, make it constructive and to the point. The more I can improve, the better it'll be for me and all of you. ^_^

P.S.: I should preface the portion about Ichigo and Rukia in bed: Ichigo is nineteen, and Rukia's a year younger, so they're both of legal age.

*Ulqiorra's back-story involves a renamed attraction at Disney World, called the "Redwood Creek Challenge Trail", and in specific, an attraction at the end of the trail itself called the "Spirit Cave". Patton Oswalt did a piece about it on his more recent album, entitled "Finest Hour". The bit is EXTREMELY hilarious… and is the basis for Ulqi's "Start of Darkness", so to speak.

*Ittainani ga: What the hell


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